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My wildly entertaining letters to my son and other American Soldiers suffering in Iraq and elsewhere...posted in no particular chronological order.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Saturday, February 4, 2006

Dear Army Guys,

I apologize in advance if this ends up being somewhat less than inspiring, but I am a little distracted by the very real possibility that I might run out of cigarettes before I’m tired enough to go to bed. That would be a small catastrophe.

I’ve already taken a bath and put on my comfy pajamas and so I don’t really want to go through all the getting dressed again and going out in the cold, dark night to buy new cigarettes hassle. However, I may be driven to do so by addiction, which in my opinion should be evidence enough that I deserve an insurance-funded 28 day vacation in a nicotine rehab program where I will be allowed to talk about my “issues” and feel sorry for myself 24/7.

If cigarettes were illegal (and therefore non-taxable) I would be allowed to whine about my “disease” on the Oprah Winfrey show and people would line up to give me a high-five and a group hug. If tobacco addicts were afforded the same compassionate psycho-babbly coddling given to crack whores and meth-mouthed rednecks, I would be encouraged to call myself a “survivor” and my fellow taxpayers would cheerfully hand over their hard-earned dollars to keep my cheeks stuffed with government-funded Nicorette gum. Instead, I and my fellow tobacco addicts are socially shunned and subjected to outlandish sin tax schemes that make the Boston Tea Party seem churlishly unreasonable.

The smokers of America generously provide an enormous amount of tax revenue to local, state and federal greedy people. And we are model citizens. Despite what you may have been led to believe, we are not a costly burden on society. Far be it from us to retire healthy and then hang around for forty years picking the pockets of younger generations. No sir, we smokers do our civic duty and die on time.

There is a brouhaha going on right here in Bloomington-Normal regarding a proposed ban on smoking in restaurants and bars. Personally I don’t really care one way or the other, since I hardly ever smoke in restaurants and I rarely find myself in a bar these days. Perhaps this is hypocritical, but I don’t like it when people are allowed to smoke while I’m eating.

Smoking sections in restaurants just don’t work for me. They’ve got the concept all wrong- they’re totally disorganized. In the civilized smoking section of my imaginings nobody would be allowed to smoke until everyone finished eating. This could easily be accomplished by switching on a NO SMOKING signal light every thirty minutes or so to allow new arrivals time to enjoy their meals. Diners would be reminded to watch for the signal and to then wave their menus around in an effort to both clear the air and alert their less observant fellow customers.

As for concern about the unhealthy effects of second-hand smoke on employees, I’ve got a simple solution for that too. Smoking restaurants should employ only smokers. I’ve even thought of a catchy slogan managers could post in the employee break room:
IF YOU QUIT, YOU’RE FIRED.

As for bars, I so rarely frequent them I don’t care if people smoke in them or not.
I see both sides of the issue and, if pressed to give an opinion, I think the smoking/non-smoking decision is best left to the proprietor of the business. I can appreciate that non-smokers don’t like cigarette smoke or its lingering effects. After all, I could stand in a roomful of guzzling alcoholics for hours on end and I would not smell like booze when I walked out of the place unless somebody spilled something on me. Stand in a smoky bar for an hour and your clothing will smell smoky for a while afterward, no doubt about it.

My non-smoking friends who otherwise enjoy spending time in bars often complain of having to shampoo their hair and wash their clothing. I’d like to ask them if they wouldn’t be doing that anyway but, as a member of a reviled minority, I’m trying to keep a low profile.

Still, there is something comical about these righteous non-smoking bar patrons. I don’t think they have any idea how ridiculous they seem to people who don’t find bars (or the people who frequent them) socially stimulating. They’re saying that their desire is to publicly intoxicate themselves in a place designated for just such an obnoxious purpose, which intoxication is quite likely to be followed by illegal operation of a motor vehicle. And, damn it, they want to be able to do this without getting dirty.

I find that funny in an “Only in America” sort of way.

I guess I’d better get to bed now. I need to get up early to wash my hair, launder my clothing, and go buy a pack of fags. Speaking of which, it’s been said that French people smoke like mad and rarely bathe. Pardonnez-moi ami puant, vous s'avèrent justement avoir une cigarette ?*

Much Love,

--An Army Mom in Paris

*Hey Stinky, can I bum a smoke?
February 13, 2006

Dear Army Guys,

I pray you are healthy and well and engaged in all manner of wholesome activities and vigilant security measures. Be sure to eat right, wear clean socks, wash your hands frequently, and get plenty of sleep.

Never underestimate the power of a good night’s sleep. I hope a full night of rest is yours for the taking, but my experience with the iron-fisted tactics of 2-130th leaders causes me to speculate otherwise. If you are forced to arise and function long before nature intended you to do so, please know that I feel your pain.

I, too, suffer the rudeness of being woken each morning long before I am ready to slip the silken bonds of sleep and touch the face of day, and I’m getting pretty damned tired of it. Rudy, my personal 1SG from hell, believes it is his duty to shake me from my slumber at the faintest crack of dawn. He says that I am becoming ever more resistant to his efforts. He reports that this morning, upon being nudged into wakefulness, I sat straight up and yelled,
“IS THIS HOW YOU GET YOUR KICKS? DRIVING INNOCENT WOMEN FROM THEIR COMFY BEDS??”
He claims I then scrunched back down into my pillow and pulled the blankets over my head. I don’t remember this at all. At first I thought he was making it up, but… well, it does sort of sound like something I might say under duress.

I am of the opinion that people should not be forced to arise from sleep at any hour earlier than they naturally would if left to their own devices. It’s unnatural, unhealthy, and a clear violation of a certain inalienable right, namely the Pursuit of Happiness.

I am very happy when I’m asleep. My sleeping self minds its own business and infringes on the reciprocal rights of no one. I see no good reason my happiness should be wrecked by other peoples’ slavish devotion to an artificial construct of time. Why should I have to respond to the wholly arbitrary and thoughtlessly sadistic command to wake up? It’s an inhumane violation of natural law.

Thousands of years of evolution have clearly led me to NOT rise from my slumber before the sun has cleared the horizon. You don’t have to be Fred Flintstone to know that Homo erectus could hardly have jumped from his cave in the pre-dawn hours and gotten any genetic reward for having done so. He’d have stumbled blindly in the dark and would have either fallen to his death over the edges of cliffs or been eaten by nocturnal predators. Prehistoric early risers would have had their sleepless strands of DNA cut off mid-evolution by Darwinian forces far more persuasive than a radio alarm clock.

And that, I contend, is why anybody who calls himself a “morning person” is genetically substandard and ought to have his DNA examined.
I am particularly suspicious of people who, for no good reason, get up early on Saturdays. There’s something really fishy about that if you ask me.

Much Love,
--An Army Mom

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