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My wildly entertaining letters to my son and other American Soldiers suffering in Iraq and elsewhere...posted in no particular chronological order.
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
January 14, 2005
Dear Rob,
Rudy was very excited to hear about your Gracie jujitsu class. He wants to know which of the Gracie’s showed up to teach it. I told him it was probably not an actual Gracie, but he insists it might have been somebody named “Renzo.” If it is Renzo, and you have an opportunity, get an autograph for Rudy. He’s a huge Gracie fan.
In my opinion, the best strategy for jujitsu is to take a flying leap at your opponent’s lower legs, thus knocking him off his feet. Then you basically hug him like mad for about ten minutes while he thrashes around using up all of his available energy. Then you clobber him a few times in the head or rib cage. If that doesn't work, try to get his face into your smelly armpit and/or threaten to tell people he has dirty underwear.
When it comes to jujitsu, I think I might have a natural talent. I’ve used these same strategies on your Aunt Bear since early childhood and with much success. I also found it very effective to punish her with a sort of backward kick. If she managed to bring me to the ground, I would turn onto my back and flail at her with my heels. A few solid heels to the thigh would usually cause her to start crying and yell for Mom, or attempt to kill me. Her attempts to kill me always failed because she was too angry to concentrate and I was able to out-smart her.
If, for example, she tried smothering me with a pillow I would pretend to be dead and freak her out. As soon as she’d let up to check if she was guilty of murder or not, I’d launch a fresh attack. If I started to get tired, I'd switch to psy-ops: I'd tell her I was going to announce over the loudspeakers at school that she peed her pants. Despite all evidence to the contrary, she believed that I somehow had the power to commandeer the intercom system at Fairview Elementary. I suppose it never occured to her to wonder why I never announced that school was closing early or that I was getting my own TV show so everybody better be nice to me from now on.
I'll bet those Gracie people learned everything they know by beating the crap out of each other as kids. I'm surprised they never use the "hold 'em down and drool spit toward the face, then suck it up at the last second" routine. In my experience that's a highly effective way to encourage unconditional surrender.
Much love,
--Mom
Dear Rob,
Rudy was very excited to hear about your Gracie jujitsu class. He wants to know which of the Gracie’s showed up to teach it. I told him it was probably not an actual Gracie, but he insists it might have been somebody named “Renzo.” If it is Renzo, and you have an opportunity, get an autograph for Rudy. He’s a huge Gracie fan.
In my opinion, the best strategy for jujitsu is to take a flying leap at your opponent’s lower legs, thus knocking him off his feet. Then you basically hug him like mad for about ten minutes while he thrashes around using up all of his available energy. Then you clobber him a few times in the head or rib cage. If that doesn't work, try to get his face into your smelly armpit and/or threaten to tell people he has dirty underwear.
When it comes to jujitsu, I think I might have a natural talent. I’ve used these same strategies on your Aunt Bear since early childhood and with much success. I also found it very effective to punish her with a sort of backward kick. If she managed to bring me to the ground, I would turn onto my back and flail at her with my heels. A few solid heels to the thigh would usually cause her to start crying and yell for Mom, or attempt to kill me. Her attempts to kill me always failed because she was too angry to concentrate and I was able to out-smart her.
If, for example, she tried smothering me with a pillow I would pretend to be dead and freak her out. As soon as she’d let up to check if she was guilty of murder or not, I’d launch a fresh attack. If I started to get tired, I'd switch to psy-ops: I'd tell her I was going to announce over the loudspeakers at school that she peed her pants. Despite all evidence to the contrary, she believed that I somehow had the power to commandeer the intercom system at Fairview Elementary. I suppose it never occured to her to wonder why I never announced that school was closing early or that I was getting my own TV show so everybody better be nice to me from now on.
I'll bet those Gracie people learned everything they know by beating the crap out of each other as kids. I'm surprised they never use the "hold 'em down and drool spit toward the face, then suck it up at the last second" routine. In my experience that's a highly effective way to encourage unconditional surrender.
Much love,
--Mom
Kitchen Etc