Plucky Letters to US soldiers in Iraq

March 3, 2006


Dear Army Guys,

Wow, I just read a very disturbing account of a disease I have not yet contracted, but might come down with any minute now. It’s called “Alien Hand Syndrome.” It manifests with a profound sensation that one or the other of a person’s hands is no longer under his or her control and, instead, seems to be operating independently of the sufferer’s will.

The offending hand will do things that seem to be of “it’s” own volition, such as unbutton a shirt the sufferer is trying to fasten or snatch things out of the sufferer’s “obedient” hand. Sometimes the alien hand goes out of its way to publicly humiliate the sufferer by performing obscene and inappropriate gestures among polite company. The alien hand is usually the left hand of a right-handed person- or the right hand of a left-handed person- who has suffered some sort of trauma to the corpus callosum region of the brain due to stroke, injury or infection. The alien hand is totally out of control, seems to have an independent “personality,” and does all sorts of things the person does not wish it to do. There is no cure and the only treatment is to keep the alien hand busy by giving it something to hold or manipulate.

This seems like just the sort of syndrome I am likely to contract. I just gave my left hand a serious inspection and it looked slightly malevolent. I think it may be twitching with an urge to do something sneaky and unplanned. I have not had a stroke, brain infection, or injury to the corpus callosum that I know of, but can we really be sure?

I mean, how do I know if my corpus callosum is intact? It’s not as if I can take a good look at it in the bathroom mirror. For all we know my corpus callosum could have been shattered in one of those freak accidents wherein the victim is rendered brain damaged without noticing anything the least bit unusual. I’m going to keep a close watch on my left hand. You just never know when the damned thing might up and do something crazy.

Worse yet, the alien hand is prone to do anything the sufferer worries it might do- it can literally read it’s victim’s mind! Given the sorts of bizarre ideations that regularly trot themselves out of the dressing room of my imagination and across the stage of my consciousness, an alien hand could be incredibly debilitating for me. My alien hand could do all manner of social damage; I’d never be able to leave the house again.

My god, I’ve only been worrying about this for a few minutes and already the horrific possibilities of the chaos caused by my alien hand are growing exponentially. Imagine what my alien hand might accomplish if allowed long-term unfettered access to my uncensored thoughts?

Imagine, if you will, that I and my alien hand are in line at the grocery store. My alien hand could plunge itself into somebody’s purse and rifle around in there, possibly looking for candy or small change. My alien hand might manage to find an embarrassing medicinal device in the bottom of some poor old lady’s handbag, which it would then wave in the air like some sort of Olympic torch for all to see. I would look for all the world like some sort of deranged Statue of Liberty, what with my obedient hand trying desperately to claw the alien hand into submission. The old lady might likely get a few good whacks at me with her cane before Store Security is able to take control of the situation. Even then, the incident would be hard to explain and might require legal representation.

Or, let’s say, I am attending a social event such as a cocktail party or wedding reception. My alien hand might up and decide it’s a good idea to stick itself down somebody’s pants. Can you even imagine the horror and abject humiliation involved in an antic such as that? There I’d stand, mortified, as my alien hand thrust its wriggling fingers into the boxer shorts of some other guest to whom I’ve just been introduced. What could one say at a time like that? Would it be possible to distract the molested person with witty conversation and clever repartee?
I think probably not.

Knowing the kind of alien hand I would likely possess, I have little doubt that it would sneak around behind my back learning sign language just to humiliate me by publicly mocking the deaf every chance it got. My alien hand would betray me with vulgar gestures in wildly inappropriate settings, such as at church or in unsafe urban neighborhoods. It would wave itself obscenely out the car window at drive-thru banks and fast-food outlets. It would give the “thumbs-up” to defenders of Al Queda and the “Heil Hitler” salute to Neo-Nazis. Yikes!

It’s a good thing I happened to find out about “Alien Hand Syndrome” before it found out about me. I’ve come up with a plan and I am ready should this disease strike me or any of my family members. The offending hand will be holstered at all times in a sort of bi-lateral strait-jacket. There it will be allowed to twitch and fidget with no harm done and, in reward for good behavior, it will be allowed small entertainments such as a Rubik’s cube or those cute Spanish castanets employed by flamenco dancers.

Please take good care of yourselves and, for crissakes, keep an eye on your hands.
You just never know what they might do.

Much Love,
--An Army Mom