Plucky Letters to US soldiers in Iraq

March 17, 2005

Dear Robby,

Top o’ the marnin’, Laddie! And a happy St. Patty’s Day to ya, a course!

Enough of that Irish rot. No offense to our ancestors, but I don’t like corned beef, cabbage gives me gas, and I think it’s unsanitary to kiss a Blarney stone without first washing it with Lysol. And I really hate that Irish music they sometimes play at trendy Chicago pubs. You'd have to be drunk to appreciate it, which makes a sort of ironic pub business sense.

Besides, St. Patrick’s Day is now on the politically correct shite list.
Today our diligent school principal made an announcement forbidding the kids from pinching one another. She almost uttered the phrase,
“St. Patrick’s Day,” but caught herself just in time and instead referred to it as, “a special day for wearing green.”
I guess you can’t go around saying “Happy St. Patrick’s Day” in a public school anymore. The separation clause of the constitution requires you to say, “Happy Special Day for Wearing Green” instead.

Personally, I think that’s prejudice against the Irish. I didn’t hear anybody complaining about the kids’ Valentine exchange. So what does that tell you? St. Valentine is okay, but St. Patrick has to hide in the closet?
St. Valentine was a Roman priest, an Italian. Perhaps the Mafia has something to do with this “special day for wearing green” malarchey.

Next year, on Valentine’s Day, I plan to raise a big fuss and make everybody call it “A Special Day for Organized Crime.”

School is out and I am officially on Spring Break! I’ve been officially on Spring Break for three hours and I’m already bored senseless.

I guess I’ll have to paint the bathroom. Painting a bathroom is very complicated. I have to figure out how to take the towel holders off the wall and tape off the mirror. How do you paint behind the toilet tank? Do I have to take the damned thing OFF? Do I have to take down the medicine cabinet, or can I paint around it? Maybe I’ll just paint right over it and let it blend in with the room. I also have to either take the light fixture apart or figure out a way to get around it. Maybe I can somehow cover it with a plastic bag. Also, how can I paint with the light off? I’ll have to drag a lamp in there somehow. Geez, it would be easier to get a paper route and use the profits to hire a professional to paint the bathroom.

I won’t, though. I’m of those “do it yourself” types with everything but auto repair. I even cut my own hair sometimes. But auto repair is beyond even my extensive abilities. Rudy’s too.

We made complete fools of ourselves at Auto Zone just last weekend. I knew a brake light was out on my car because an idiot light was on in the instrument panel. (Ironic, isn’t it? A light comes ON to tell you another light is OFF.) I enlisted Rudy to fix it and off we went to Auto Zone for a new bulb.

I asked Rudy if we shouldn’t test the brakes to see which light was out. He said he knew which one it was, and I didn’t question it. Why would I? We bought the replacement bulb and went back out to the car, where Rudy spent 15 minutes trying to figure out how to open the housing on the back dashboard. Finally, I got the guy working the Auto Zone counter to come out and help. It took him about 15 seconds to open it, remove the old bulb, and screw in the new one. He remarked that the old bulb didn’t look burnt out.

I again suggested we should maybe test the brake lights, just to make sure. Rudy scoffed and insisted he knew it was the middle one. “It went out last year, too, don’t you remember?” The Auto Zone Guy said it wasn’t a bad idea to check, so I got in, started the car and stepped on the brakes. The left brake light did not work. So we all trooped back inside to buy that replacement bulb. The Auto Zone Guy helped install it, and was kind enough not to say a word about people who assume they know which of their lights are not working simply by guessing it must be the very one they most recently replaced.

As long as we were in the company of an Auto Zone professional, I thought perhaps we might settle an ongoing argument Rudy and I have had about the right turn signal. Sometimes the turn signal would flash normally, other times it flashed very quickly. It seemed to me it was doing this randomly, but Rudy said it only flashed quickly when the lights were on. I had tested his theory and found it to be total bunk, but he remained adamant. He claimed that, since the lights go on automatically, I was just too stupid to realize they were on when it was flashing quickly. Was it always cloudy when the turn signal flashed quickly?

I considered this and thought maybe it was possible, given that I have been driving this car for two years and didn’t have any idea the lights came on automatically until Rudy said that. I always turn them on manually as needed. Come to think of it, I had noticed that the lights sometimes brightened when I pulled into a dark garage, but I thought they must always be on and I just only suddenly noticed it in a sort of flash of sudden driver awareness. Or something like that.

I explained about the turn signal to the Auto Zone Guy, and Rudy proceeded to demonstrate. Sure enough, the right turn signal flashed quickly when the lights were on, but not when they were off. The Auto Zone Guy had no idea why that would be so, and suggested we change the bulb and see what would happen. He asked Rudy to open the hood.

Rudy, being such an expert on automotive concerns, pulled the little lever and opened the trunk. The Auto Zone Guy did his best not to smirk and said he didn’t think Rudy had popped the hood. Rudy said yes, he had.
I said no, he hadn’t. Rudy came around and pulled at the hood, but of course it wouldn’t open. I smirked at Rudy and went around the car to make a big show of closing the trunk. Then I pulled the other little lever and opened the gas tank, thus demonstrating that I, too, am a geeky loser.

The Auto Zone Guy did his best not to roll around on the parking lot laughing his ass off. I found the correct lever and opened the hood so the Auto Zone guy could replace the bulb, declare the problem solved, and get rid of us. He was probably in a hurry to get back inside and start a "Let's-All-Laugh-At-The-Dumbassed-Customers" assembly with his fellow Auto Zone employees.

I suppose I’d better get back to thinking about painting the bathroom.
I should give it a top-to-bottom thorough cleaning before I start painting anyway. And its getting kind of late in the day at this point, so maybe my best move for today would be to go buy new towels. Yes, that will give me the motivation I need to get painting! A new shower curtain, too! And a bath mat! I probably should shop around for the best deals, too. This could take days and days.

My god, I am shocked by my ability to procrastinate indefinitely and without guilt.

Happy Special Day for Wearing Green!

Much Love,

--Mom