Plucky Letters to US soldiers in Iraq

Wednesday, June 29, 2005


Dear Army Guys,

Quick, look down! Are you wearing clean socks? I hope so. Foot fungus is nothing to fool around with, you know. Rudy has some sort of toenail disease that causes his toenails to look flaky and brittle in addition to their usual gnarly appearance. I told him to get some of that Lamasil I’ve seen advertised in magazines, but he ignores my medical advice on the grounds that I’m a hypochondriac and don’t know what I’m talking about. Maybe so, but it seems to me that people who run around on what more closely resemble hooves than feet ought not be so blasé.

I’m taking a break today from my ambitious BIG GARDENING WEEK projects due to excessive heat and physical exhaustion. Naturally, I selected the hottest week of the year to tear out half the landscaping in our yard. It was 97 degrees yesterday afternoon when I finally finished the “East Garden” as I’ve pretentiously decided to call it. (I’ll send before and after photos as soon as I get a new color cartridge for my printer.) I realize that you guys are suffering much worse conditions, but no amount of empathy on my part would save me from the heart attack I’m sure I’d be having right now if I’d moved on to my front yard project today as planned. The newspaper tells me it will rain tomorrow and cool off to a pleasant 84 degrees Friday and Saturday. While it’s true that this particular weather report is usually wrong, I’m going to trust it this time. After all, even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

Rudy is taking a vacation day on Friday and we’ve planned one of our fun-filled family excursions. Intrepid adventurers that we are, we like to take summer day trips to explore various Illinois sights and tourist attractions. Last Friday, for example, we drove to Bolingbrook to watch a stupid Batman movie at an IMAX theater. Personally, I wouldn’t bother walking into the next room to see a Batman movie. Rudy and Dylan, however, find nothing odd in the notion of traveling hundreds of miles just to watch a guy in a Halloween mask leap from the fake-looking rooftops of Gotham City while wearing a large kite strapped to his ridiculous scuba suit. Call me a snob, but those sorts of overdone cinematic hijinx tend to make me snicker at inappropriate moments when everyone else in the theater is riveted to the screen, eyes wide and mouths hanging open. I’m one of the hated few who openly laugh during James Bond movies.

Also, the IMAX theater was air-conditioned by a sadistic Eskimo conglomerate. It was like sitting in a gigantic refrigerator for two hours. You could realistically put King Kong into suspended animation in there if the need arose. I had on a pair of sandals which, by the time the movie ended, were frozen to the soles of my frostbitten feet. It was difficult to concentrate on the movie due to a recurring fantasy in which I had a pair of socks in my purse. I could actually visualize myself back home that morning saying, “I think I’ll bring a pair of socks just in case it’s cold in the theater.”

On an intellectual level I knew I did not bring a pair of socks and that it was only wishful thinking. Still, I couldn’t help rummaging around in my purse a few times just in case. I was a good sport about it, though, and I did enjoy the 3D shark documentary we got to see after Batman finally pulled himself together and vowed to carry on his good deeds in the sequel he’s obviously planning to bore me with next year.

This Friday we’re going to the new Abraham Lincoln museum in Springfield, which is an excursion I’ve been anticipating for months. I love history and science, so my only requests for this summer’s family day trips were to see the new Lincoln museum and the “Body World” exhibit at the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago. I plan to torture Rudy and Dylan with lots of Lincoln facts on the way to Springfield, thus paying them back for the whole Batman thing. Did you know that Abraham Lincoln’s stepmother was Sarah Bush Johnston? Given that my family name is Johnston and our president is a member of the Bush family, I think this is an interesting and significant bit of information. I wonder if our family genealogists, whoever they are, have looked into this connection. Maybe I should be getting some sort of family discount on income taxes.

You will be pleased to know that the mourning dove living in my hanging flower basket has, indeed, produced a living offspring. The baby bird is growing fast and the mother bird now seems to expect me to babysit during the early evening hours. She flies off to do her own thing and I hang around the front porch worrying that the baby will do something stupid like try to fly. It stands up and flexes its little wings and looks like it wants to get involved in some sort of dangerous pre-adolescent activity like skateboarding or internet chat rooms. That little bird is looking a bit too feisty for its own good the last couple of days. During the daytime hours the mother holds it down by sheer force of superior body weight, but when she’s out of the nest the little one jumps around and does not seem to realize he could easily fall out of the hanging flower basket, thus endangering the propagation of his species. I have affectionately christened him “Little Stupid Bird,” and he seems to respond to his name when I tell him to settle down and be more careful. I’ll send you a photo of him as soon as I get a new color cartridge for my printer.

Until then, and always, wear clean socks.

Much Love,

--An Army Mom