Plucky Letters to US soldiers in Iraq

(photo of stupid bird in
hanging flower basket
on our front porch)

Wednesday, June 8, 2005


Dear Army Guys,

Can you believe this stupid mourning dove is living in a hanging flower basket? It moved in about a week after I hung the basket; didn’t even bother to fake like it built a nest. Just plopped down and promptly laid two cute little eggs. Now it sits in there 24/7 and only flies away if I aggressively wave my arms around while shouting, “Fly away, stupid bird, I have to water the flowers!” It actually looks like a pretty comfy spot until the wind kicks up. On windy days the basket spins around wildly and the bird looks a little more confused than usual.

Rudy suggested we could easily get rid of it by making a miniature two-egg omelet for Mama Cat. I think that’s a bit harsh, don’t you? After all, if this bird is so stupid it cannot even build its own nest, it probably deserves our sympathy and good will. Besides, I practically invited it by hanging a free “dream nest” on our front porch in the first place.

Still, it bothers me that two years ago I hung a charmingly attractive birdhouse in the tree not 15 feet from the front porch. It’s an open invitation to free housing for my feathered friends, yet no bird families have ever taken me up on it. This stupid bird has been flying around ignoring my birdhouse for two years, and now it’s planning to raise two chicks in a flower basket? What kind of a birdbrained insult is that? No offense to mourning doves, but I’m guessing they’re not exactly the rocket scientists of the bird community.

Next year maybe I’ll plant my flowers in the birdhouse.

I hope you’re taking good care of yourselves. Make sure you get plenty of rest and drink lots of water. Eat green foods everyday. Are you wearing clean socks? Be sure to wear clean socks. I’m not even going to ask about underwear. I don’t even want to know about any of that gruesome commando business.


Much Love,

--An Army Mom