Plucky Letters to US soldiers in Iraq

January 21, 2005

Dear Rob & Buddies,

Yesterday my friendly neighborhood maven, Ann, informed me that Ramen noodles were on sale at Ghetto Kroger at $2.00 a case. That’s .083 cents per package! I bought two cases for you & your guys. I’ll include them in your care packages. I certainly hope you have access to boiling hot water! I’m fairly certain Ramen noodles are not something you’d want to eat straight from the package, although I’ve never tried it myself.

While I was buying Ramen noodles at Ghetto Kroger, it became apparent to me the reason Ghetto Kroger is called Ghetto Kroger. The couple ahead of me in the check-out lane were having an argument with the cashier about Coco Puffs. Seems there are strict rules about what kind of cereal can be purchased using food stamps. You can buy Kix, Raisin Bran, or Wheaties, among others. You cannot buy Coco Puffs no matter how many vitamins and minerals they claim to contain. The cashier explained this to the Coco Puff couple in no uncertain terms.

Mrs. Coco Puff insisted (quite loudly) that she has used food stamps to buy Coco Puffs on several previous occasions. Mr. Coco Puff, a skinny man wearing long johns, added that they had purchased Coco Puffs just last week. The cashier, obviously a stickler for the rules, would not back down. She said, “Look folks, I don’t care if you’ve bought Coco Puffs a hundred times. They are NOT ON THE LIST!”
Then she waved the list around in a flurry of officious rule enforcement.

Mr. & Mrs. Coco Puff showed no sign of giving up the fight, and I was in kind of a hurry. (I had to pee pretty badly.) I cheerfully suggested that I would be happy to pay for the Coco Puffs with my order and solve the whole problem. The cashier seemed grateful, but Mr. & Mrs. Puff just sneered at me. Mrs. Puff turned aside and tossed the box of cereal onto a stack of rock salt bags near the check-out in a hostile gesture that seemed to say, “We don’t take no charity from rich folks!”

(Oh, yeah, Mrs. Coco Puff? Where do you think food stamps come from?)

I was tempted to make a big production of retrieving the discarded Coco Puffs for my own breakfast enjoyment. But I don’t really like Coco Puffs, so I just stood there trying to look incredulous. Ever try looking incredulous when you have to pee pretty badly? No easy task.
I may have come off as moderately desperate instead.

As I was racing toward home & bathroom, the guy on the radio said something about “class warfare.” I thought to myself, “Ah, yes, the food stamp Coco Puff effect.”

Much Love,

--An Army Mom