Plucky Letters to US soldiers in Iraq

Friday, March 7, 2003



Dear Rob,

It’s Friday night and the thrill of the evening was watching While You Were Out on TLC. Then I got a smoking lecture from Rudy, whom I shall refer to as “Mr. Perfect” from this point forward. I am seriously considering adding nicotine to his food somehow so that he will share my addiction. I worry about getting fat from quitting. Look what happened to Karen and Dave! They both quit smoking and got fatter. Then Karen went back to smoking. Now she is a plump smoker. Do I want to be a plump smoker? No. I would rather fail to quit smoking and die thin and young. Who wants to be 90 years old anyway? What do 90 year old people get to do that’s worth hanging around for anyway?

I shall be a good citizen and die on time, thus saving the American people hundreds of thousands of dollars in wasted social security benefits.
Mr. Perfect, a very greedy citizen, will live to be 100 years old and cost your generation a fortune because he is so PERFECTLY healthy through all of his clean living crap.

I wish Mr. Perfect could give me one good reason to quit smoking, other than the many ways it would benefit HIM. He could do himself a big favor by learning to live a little. Maybe cultivate a nice beer belly and a fun gambling addiction. But he won’t. He also refuses to hand over the $5,000 for my much needed face lift.

Hmmm, perhaps a deal could be struck here.

I wonder how difficult it would be to fake quitting smoking? I could just act really bitchy and eat everything in sight when he’s around. I could wear those cute “SMOKING STINKS!” buttons on my jacket lapels. I could assume a superior demeanor while pointedly coughing in the general direction of the smoking section in restaurants. I might actually enjoy myself and get that facelift to boot!

Do you think it is possible for a person who absolutely LOVES to smoke to quit smoking? I am doubtful. I wish they would just go ahead and make it illegal, like marijuana. A totally harmless drug, if you ask me, but nobody I know does it anymore because we are all respectable middle-aged law-abiders. If they make tobacco illegal, maybe my insurance will pay for a nice 28-day rehab vacation.


The New York Times tells me you are in Kuwait. I have two “care package” boxes to mail out to you tomorrow. I included whatever items the press tells us you guys want. Moist towelettes, toilet paper, sunblock, lip balm, snacks. What’s with the tuna? Everyone says you want canned tuna, but nobody says why. I included three small cans of tuna. Enjoy!

I’ll get those boxes in the mail to you tomorrow morning. Hope you are safe, comfortable and well. Perhaps you might consider a career in plastic surgery. Then I could get a discount on my face lift.

TTFN (Take Tuna for Nutrition)

Much Love,
Mom