Plucky Letters to US soldiers in Iraq

(Here's an oldie from Rob's Korean tour of duty...)

December 26, 2001

Dear Rob,

I’ve been thinking about your recent interest in the social sciences

I think it’s important to keep ever in mind that sticking the words “social” and “science” together might not have been an entirely accurate way of expressing what all those psychologists, sociologists and various other “ists” are doing. Common sense went out the window when somebody wanted to get a kazillion dollar federal grant to watch people do stupid things. They had to stop shouting “Smile! You’re on Candid Camera!” and start referring to the exact same thing, sans commercials, as a groundbreaking psychological inquiry.

The kazillion dollar in federal grant money question is, of course, why people do stupid things. The answer, which will cost another gazillion tax dollars to discover, is really quite simple. (that’s why the ists can’t figure it out- it’s too easy for the overeducated mind to grasp)

The reason so many people do stupid things is because so many people are stupid. This may seem hard to believe because we all know quite a few smart people who persist in doing stupid things. Don’t be fooled into thinking there is some deeper significance in this: the simple fact remains that smart people do stupid things because beneath all those brand spanking new smart brain cells lie the original stupid cells every person, regardless of intellectual destiny, is supplied with at birth.

If you think about the actions of any newborn baby, you’ll realize I speak the truth here. Ever see a newborn grab a slide rule and calculate the distance between the planets? No, because newborns are equipped only with stupidity, which will plague them for the rest of their lives no matter how many social science courses they take at universities and community colleges.

That is not to say that social scientists are themselves stupid. No, you’ve got to be a pretty sharp scalpel to slice through all that governmental red tape, not to mention writing proposals worthy of grant-getting. The craft of persuasive and dignified begging may be a science in it’s own right and I find it amazing that most universities fail to pay homage to it with a degree program. (This could, in fact, be an opportunity area for the community colleges.)

Any decent social scientist worth his salt knows how to spin a common social irritant, such as angry, gesticulating motorists or the public display of drunken ex-family members, into the much more important (and fund worthy) “social problems” of road rage and homelessness. The really good social scientists have the statistics, and the tax dollars, to prove that they must be allowed to study these problems forever (or until tenure) so that a proper, but impossible, solution can be found just in time for them to comfortably retire to Palm Beach.

I think the whole science of social “ists” have dropped the ball and left the truly good stuff in the hands of their not-so-prestigious cousins in the hypnosis field. I mean think about it: a psychologist labors through years of study and academically induced poverty just to get a chance to NOT yell “Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!”

Yet your average hypnotist exerts power enough to make perfectly upright republican housewives do the Macarena in front of hundreds of atavistic county fairgoers without ever taking an SAT exam.

Don’t take the foregoing the wrong way; far be it from me to discourage your interest in the helpful (and potentially lucrative) field of psychology. There are far worse ideas floating around out there than dysfunctional families and penis envy. (but, please, let’s do put the fun back in dys-fun-ctional, and let’s remember that the commandment does NOT say
“Thou shalt not covet Russell Crowe’s ill-placed tube socks.” FYI.)

Perhaps the best psychological observation I can offer as a motivational tidbit comes in the form of a small measure of wisdom from my father, who said,
“Everyone is goofy except you and me, and I’m not too sure about you.”
Which just goes to show that there is not much risk of a work slow-down in the family counseling biz.

I still think the hypnotists have an as yet untapped corner on the crazy market. And no student loans to repay. Something to think about.

Love,
--Mom