Plucky Letters to US soldiers in Iraq

Tuesday June 24, 2003


Dear Rob,

Nothing has happened since last I wrote. I mean that literally. Okay, yeah, I did the first installment of BIG CLEANING WEEK, but it really doesn’t change much of anything. Although I did discover that I tend to pack kitchen drawers full of items I don’t need or want. As I fish them out and release them to that great garbage dump downstream, I wonder “Why do we OWN this thing?”

Its hard to turn down a freebie, but later you wonder why you ever kept the thing in the first place. I’m talking about stuff like free car dealership keychains you got at the County Fair or refrigerator magnets that advertise fertilizer. It’s not like I went out and bought these items. I’ve never gone out thinking, “Maybe I’ll get myself a new Humane Society ruler today!” Its just stuff I bring home because it’s free. Somebody hands this stuff out at a Corn Festival and I think, “Hmm, you never know when you might need an emery board emblazoned with VOTE ROD BLAGOJAVICH!” (Well, what if I happen to suffer a hangnail on Election Day? I’d better keep it.) I hate to think our political system is dependent on such things. Most people don’t even know who Dick Cheney IS. Yet many are driving around right now with a car air freshener in his likeness dangling from their rear view mirrors.


Dylan and I went to Toys R Us to get him a tape player so that he can listen to the new Harry Potter book for hours on end. He had $25 in gift certificates, which gave us the perfect excuse to forgo Best Buy. (Whew!) We purchased a tape player for $6.99. Our theory was that at that price, who cares if it breaks? Heck, throw it away and get a new one, its practically disposable. Unfortunately, we didn’t notice that an electrical cord is apparently optional. As in “sold separately.” Rudy told me to go to Radio Shack and buy a universal adapter thingamagig for about $12.00. There is something wrong with this picture, but I just can’t put my finger on it.

Harry Potter himself is garnering quite a bit of publicity these days. The religious “Right” say he is a loathsome fiend intent upon the corruption of our youthful innocents. Yeah right, Right. I challenge any evangelical Christian worth his salt to show me how Harry Potter is more corrosive to America’s youth than sitting in a pseudo-church Sunday after Sunday witnessing adult role models speak in tongues and throw themselves orgasmically around on the chapel floor in the throes of religious fervor.

Hel-lo! Most of these complainers don’t even know the difference between a machine shed and a decent chapel. Many are so unsuccessful they hold weekly services at a local public high school, yet they consider themselves authorities on the Will of God? I’d like to see some credentials, please. I heard some guy on the radio prattling on about Harry Potter encouraging kids to believe in “the occult.” Seems to me that guy must believe in the occult himself, else why is he so scared of it?

I call the evangelicals “New Age Christians” because I know they would hate to be called New Age anything- makes them think of “the occult.” I used the term a few times with Rudy’s sister-in-law and you should have seen her cringe. But the term is accurate- these folks are practicing a new form of Christianity. No doctrine, no liturgy, no one in charge. Anybody can become a preacher just by taking a mail order course. Dial 1-800-PENTACOST. Then all you have to do is find someplace to hold worship services, convince other Born Agains to show up, and viola! You’ve got a congregation.

I hear it can be a real money-maker. Before you know it, the dough is rolling in and you can buy your own metal utility building/church. You then put up a big wooden sign out front: Rural Midwestern Church of Evangelical Snake Handling or some such. Throw some gravel in the parking lot, and you’re in the big time.

I’ve been to a couple of them with Rudy and his brother. Real classy- 30 congregates meet in a public school auditorium. The “service” consisted of the preacher giving a speech, then everybody stood up and waved their arms around while someone of dubious musical talent played the organ for about 100 years. Then the preacher made another speech. Everyone yelled hallelujah. Afterwards we all trooped to the gym for a pot luck of green bean casseroles and macaroni & cheese.

I noticed that many of the congregants throw little phrases like “Praise God!” and “Thank you, Je-ya-zus!” into ordinary conversations about work or gardening. One guy went on and on about who was saved when, as in, “Isn’t that John Smith? I think he was saved in the summer of ’92, right after the grain elevator exploded.” I was asked if I were saved. I told the guy I’m Catholic and he looked very sad about the state of my immortal soul.

Unfortunately, nobody was speaking in tongues or falling into trances.
I had really been looking forward to seeing some of that kind of religious carrying on, but this was a conservative bunch. Now Rudy’s brother is back to going to their old church, held in an old movie theater, where one might witness some hard-ass “gifts of the spirit.” (Gifts of the Spirit include tongue-speaking and convulsions of some sort.) Too late for me, though. I pissed off the sister-in-law by saying “New Age Christians” once too often, so now I’m uninvited.

On Sunday nights, if I can stay awake until 11:30 PM, I like to watch “Jack Van Impe Presents” on TV. Jack Van Impe really knows his scripture. He is able to convince me that the rapture is right around the corner. He will tell you the news of the day, then toss off a few scriptures proving Armageddon is truly upon us. It’s a darn good thing he comes on late at night when I’m tired. Else I might be moved to construct a Rapture Shelter under our basement right after the show.


TTFN (Trust The Fundamentalist New-agers!)

Much Love,

--Mom