Plucky Letters to US soldiers in Iraq

Thursday, August 21, 2003

Dear Rob & Buddies,



What I learned on our End-of-Summer Family Trip to exotic Branson, Missouri
By Mom


1. Driving from Bloomington, Illinois to Branson, Missouri takes a very long time and should be against the law.
2. Branson, Missouri is supposedly the number 2 vacation hot spot in America, just behind Orlando, Florida. I have no idea why this might be true, unless these are the results of a poll taken among nursing home residents who really miss Dean Martin and can’t get enough of Pat Boone Vegas-style Country-Western stage acts. (In Branson, these are simply called “Shows.”)
3. Everyone in Branson, except waiters and hotel employees, is over 65.
4. Other Branson visitors who happen to be staying at your hotel will enthusiastically ask you which Shows you have seen. Failure to see lots of Shows will earn you the scorn of your fellow Branson tourists.
5. IMAX does not count as a Show, and if you tell your hotel neighbors that you went to IMAX they will not know what you’re talking about.
6. Trying to explain IMAX to senior citizens is like trying to explain quantum mechanics to kindergarteners. They just wait for you to stop talking so they can say, “Oh. We went to the Dixie Stampede!”
7. The food at the Dixie Stampede is rumored to be better than Old Country Buffet, but not as good as it should be, considering the prices. And there is no senior citizen’s discount!
8. The management of the Branson Veteran’s Museum will not give you the veteran’s discount unless you are an actual veteran and can prove it. Nobody will care that you are the sainted mother of a brave patriot fighting for freedom in the Iraqi desert. Looking skyward while proclaiming, “Holy-Mary-Mother-of-God, what has become of this great land of ours??!” will not sway them in the least. The Branson Veteran’s Museum is obviously run by a bunch of Calvinist Protestants who have no regard for the institution of motherhood.
9. My husband is the kind of person who cares very much how the toothpaste tube is squeezed, and he is not afraid to give demonstrations to me and my eleven year old child. (This led to a minor argument during which I may or may not have uttered the phrase “prissy-butt.”)
10. Sharing a small hotel room with a man and a boy is difficult, at best. Being nice about it is even harder, but worth it in the long run. (That’s a guess; I have no personal experience with being nice about it for more than 48 hours.)
11. Some people like to spend vacation time watching the Sci-Fi channel in a small hotel room even when it is nice outside. It is best not to suggest that such an endeavor is a waste of precious vacation hours.
12. Some people drive like maniacs when they are pissed off at their wife for suggesting that watching the Sci-Fi channel in a small hotel room is a waste of precious vacation hours. I believe this is called “passive-aggressive behavior.” However, I did not comment upon that while hurtling through space at 80 MPH in the front passenger seat of a vehicle controlled by the passive-aggressive member of the family. I guess you could say I wanted to live.
13. On the day that you and your family plan to visit Silver Dollar City it will be closed for renovations. (“Park's closed, folks. Moose shoulda told you out front.”)
14. On the day that you and your family do visit Silver Dollar City it will be overrun by hoards of small uncivilized sweaty creatures who never look where they’re going and tromp all over you. One of them is very likely your kid.
15. Driving from Branson, Missouri to Bloomington, Illinois takes a very long time and should be against the law.


Are we back yet?

Much Love,
--Mom