Plucky Letters to US soldiers in Iraq

Monday August 4, 2003


Dear Charlie & Buddies,

I hope all is well and you are healthy, wealthy and wise. I hope you’ve had some time to do something different once in awhile. All work and no play makes Jack a very dull boy. And crabby. Everyone needs a hobby, however temporary or situational.

Personally, I've been busy cluttering up our yard with junk. I have lawn ornaments now, due to drastic end-of-season price reductions which have caused me to purchase items I had no idea I even wanted.

I have two faux-marble statues now. One is a couple of angels cooing cutely at each other, which I snuggled into a little hollow amid the pine trees by the patio. (Wal-Mart, $9.99 last week.) The other is a sweet little boy peering at a sweet little bird perched sweetly upon his wrist. He's under the birch tree in the corner of the yard. (Schnucks grocery store, $4.99 today.)

These are in addition to the ‘Three Frogs w/Lily Pad’ and ‘Boys Playing Catch’ I already had, courtesy of my mother’s lawn ornament frenzy of last year. (Which I was not artistically prepared to appreciate at the time, but now I do.)

If this trend continues I will next purchase a grandiose faux-marble fountain and install it in the front yard. Dancing Waters would be really cool, maybe with music and a choreographed light show. Worse yet, my Catholic heritage might incline me to half-bury a bathtub and stick a Madonna inside, and then the neighbors would have to take legal action. Can you imagine the social STIGMATA (ha ha) involved?! Hopefully I can restrain my artistic impulses.

Unfortunately, social concerns have not been able to fully compromise my rampant lust for price-reduced lawn ornaments. I am also now the proud owner of a three and a half foot tall cast-iron sundial, which is on display in our backyard as well. It was $8.74 at Schnucks, down from the original price of $34.99!!! How could I NOT heft it into my shopping cart?? $8.74!!
I wish they'd had a few of those charming park benches left over, but I didn't see any.

The fact that I have never anticipated the need of a sundial is quite beside the point. After all, you never know when all the clocks in North America might just go on the fritz all at once. Then everyone will be lining up at my gate begging me to tell them what time it is. And I will proudly...

... Uh-oh. Do you have any idea how to read a sundial? Neither do I, but that is, again, beside the point. $8.74! THAT is the point! Besides, all of my recent lawn ornament purchases are tastefully placed variously about the backyard, within the confines of the privacy fence. And they really do look nice. Really.

If you would like some lawn ornaments for your Iraqi environment, just let me know. Maybe you could use an angel or hedgehog or something, just to make your barracks lawn a friendly, inviting place to relax. I’ve noticed that the angels and the sweet little bird-boy are real mood-enhancers when I sit on my patio in the evenings. Every once in awhile I look up from Reason Magazine, and there are those statues, in gradually changing circumstances of light, and they just look so gosh darned idyllic.

Oh, what the heck, I’ll send one regardless. Gives me a good excuse to cash in on the incredible lawn ornament savings available in this great day and age.

Much Love,

--An Army Mom