Plucky Letters to US soldiers in Iraq

Friday, June 27 2003


Dear Rob,

I just got your letter dated May 21!! I get very excited about mail from you. Any letters from you put the mailman at great risk of getting hugged and kissed by me. I actually think our mailman is more fearful of me than of the neighbor's dog. (Which is unfair since, unlike the dog, I have NEVER humped the mailman's leg.)

I've been thinking about your crowd control missions in Mosul.

Yes, I am VERY proud that you are one of the "Big Boys" getting the job done. Its great that everyone wants you on their team, and I"m not surprised by that at all. (I really am proud, though!) What surprises me is that you are doing something like that in the first place. You're a medic with Field Artillery- whose boneheaded idea was it to send you out doing MP type duties? I mean, think about it. You guys are not trained for this sort of thing! The whole idea scares the bejeezus out of me!

What if you're out there doing the "Master Choker" thing and you choke the wrong guy?? Like maybe the one whose best friend is standing 10 feet away with an AK47?? I realize you have to come on strong, you're right about that of course. Still, proceed with extreme caution. I still think hiding under your bunk would be a more effective survival strategy. (But if you could arrange for someone to take a photo of you in action doing your choke technique, I know Rudy would love to see it.)

I will never understand men. If women were in charge, there would be no need of any "Master Chokers." The whole world would be free to scream nasty things at each other in the streets without fear of physical confrontation. Nobody would want to mess up their hair, embarrass themselves in front of the neighbors, or make a bloody mess they'd have to clean up later. Instead of waving guns in the air, we'd be waving wooden spoons. I can picture the whole thing clearly:

Iraqi women would yell:
"You Americans are evil Godless sluts exposing yourselves all over the place! Get out of our country!"
American women would yell:
"Oh, yeah? Well you Iraqis can't cook for shit! Nobody eats goat anymore! You are totally, like, not cool! And get a freakin' washing machine already- you people are literally stinking up the whole planet!"
Iraqi women:
"GET OUT of our country!"
American women:
"GET OUT from under that stupid tablecloth!"
Iraqi women:
"Infidels!"
American women:
"Losers!"
Then everybody retires to the family hovel to either cook goats or order pizza from Dominoes.

Women are too busy to keep up hostilities for long. The kids have to be in bed by nine, and we have to have potable water on the stove by 7 AM. I see no good reason Saddam Hussein and Donald Rumsfeld couldn't have been satisfied with gossiping behind each other's back.

Think about it.

Much Love,

--Mom