Plucky Letters to US soldiers in Iraq

June 12, 2003


Dear Charlie & Buddies,

I am sorry to inform you that I did NOT win $10,000 of free furniture in a contest I recently should have won. I think the whole deal was rigged. Also, I wrote a complaint letter to the management of Leath Furniture regarding the outrageous outfit worn by their employee, Christy. She had on a red polyester top so low-cut and clingy as to be a virtual bikini top- only without the support features of a bikini top, if you know what I mean. In a business environment, no less! She looked like she should be serving drinks in a men’s nightclub, not selling furniture. It was an infringement upon the labor rights of professional boobs all across this great land of ours! Maybe I can get Playboy Bunnies to set up a picket line in the Leath Furniture parking lot. If I had a fuller figure, I might even have a chance at becoming the Norma Rae of my generation.

I am gradually overcoming my Wal-Mart phobia. This morning I made my first solo foray. It was a big step, but I handled it with stoic determination. I managed to select 1 loaf of bread, 1 package of hamburger buns, 1 T-shirt, and 2 packages of feminine hygiene products before fear & loathing drove me to the checkout.

I waited patiently in line as the surly clerk grudgingly waited on the Wal-Marters ahead of me. I refrained from loudly verbalizing my annoyance at the incessant BLIP! BLIP! BLIP! of the obnoxious Wal-Mart cash registers. I assaulted no one, and I suggested to the clerk only that she have a nice day.

This is the first time I have managed NOT to give the clerk a rundown of my list of the improvements Wal-Mart ought to make. Progress towards goal. I believe I earned an A+ as a Wal-Mart shopper today. Well, okay, maybe a B-, on account of I’m not very fat, don’t wear polyester pants, and had no dirty children hanging all over my shopping cart. Maybe if I drag a dollar bill through a trailer park I can acquire some of those beloved Wal-Mart shopper accoutrements. One can dream.

I had planned to bleach the ceramic tile floor grout today (oh, joy), but didn’t feel up to it. I have a dreadful backache and a general malaise. I may be suffering from either West Nile virus or Monkey Pox. There is a dead bird on the deck, so West Nile is most likely, although I have none of the usual symptoms. Still, you can’t be too careful. As for Monkey Pox, I think I might be infected, even though I don’t have any of those symptoms either. I haven’t come in contact with any prairie dogs, but you never know who Mama Kitty might be hanging out with in the backyard.

In fact, she could be responsible for the dead bird, in which case I might well have both West Nile AND Monkey Pox! HELP!! MEDIC!!!

Dylan is gone on vacation with his dad, so it is excruciatingly boring around here all day. Rudy will no doubt go down into the basement to work on the drywall tonight. I really ought to get my butt down there and work on my screw holes. He works incessantly down there just to make me look bad.

Perhaps my having West Nile-Monkey Pox will make him feel sorry for me. If I hurry, there might be time to pose myself miserably on the couch before he gets home from work. Wash off all makeup and mess up my hair to achieve that “Sick Look” we all know and find repulsive. But then I’d be stuck there for the rest of the evening and it might be boring. Guess I’ll just stick with the truth; that I feel slightly crappy and am too lazy to fill screw holes or bleach grout today.

I gotta get a life.

Much love,

--An Army Mom