Plucky Letters to US soldiers in Iraq

April 10, 2003


Dear Rob,

There’s a website called “GI Jargon” that I was visiting today. It’s pretty funny. Ever heard of “Fort Livingroom?” That’s where you want to ETS to next. In the Australian army, medics are called “Scab-Lifters.” UK Signal Corps guys are called “Bleeps.” Also in the UK, inbred retarded fuckers are called “Ruperts.” As in, “Get your fourth point of contact down, you stupid Rupert wanker!” (I gather that the "Fourth Point of Contact" is your butt.)

Anybody not in the Airborne is a “Leg.” But you probably already know about the “dirty, nasty” Legs.

MARINE is an acronym for “Muscles Are Required- Intellect Not Expected.” Be sure to watch out for "BMOs" (Black Moving Objects). Those are Iraqi women wearing black tableclothes. How about a “Lost Lieutenant Finder?” That’s a hand-held GPS unit which is relied on entirely too much by "Butter Bars" who can't read a map or use a compass.

Do you have “Shiny Kit Syndrome?” If so, you don't know what it is or what it does, and you may never use it, but you’ve GOT to have it. The "Sham Foo Master" is the soldier who manages to do nothing, yet looks very busy all day. “BOHICA,” as you may know, is “Bend Over Here It Comes Again.”

Now, you want to watch out that you don’t catch “A Case of The Ass” because it's a common illness in the Army. It means “Always being pissed off at everything.”

One thing the Legs say they know for sure: only two things fall from the sky: bird shit and fuckin’ idiots!
(ALL THE WAY, Airborne!!) The newest entry into this GI Jargon website is “In The Big Suck.” Apparently, it means “to be anywhere in Iraq.”

Are you having fun yet?
TTFN (Take Time For Naps)


Much Love,
--Mom