Plucky Letters to US soldiers in Iraq

From about this time last year...

December 3, 2003


Dear Army Guys,


My son, Rob, the former 101st Airborne medic, veteran of Operation Iraqi Freedom, is now out of the Army. At least until his National Guard unit is called up, which I fear will happen any minute now. He arrived home yesterday with a U-haul and a smile. I am pleased to tell you he spent a good half hour of quality time with me before rushing off to spend THE ENTIRE NIGHT with his girlfriend, Stacey. (I choose to believe he accidentally fell asleep on her sofa due to exhaustion and post-traumatic stress disorder.) The fact that I spent the evening doing his laundry and deciphering the GI Bill had nothing whatever to do with my decision to rewrite my will and leave everything to the family cat.

Today I made an appointment for “us” with the Dean of Admissions at Heartland College. I was rudely informed, by both my son and the Dean of Admissions, that my presence is not required at this meeting. When I suggested that Rob take a small tape recorder along, just in case something was said that I might be better able to decipher, Rob actually laughed! He apparently does not realize I am fully prepared to barge in and take full control of his life.

Or maybe he is fully aware of that. Hmmm. I wonder if that means I will not be allowed to lecture Stacey about the importance of reliable birth control? Maybe I can send her some helpful advice anonymously. Yeah, good idea. I’ll leave a package of brochures inside her screen door while she’s at work. She’ll never even know it’s from me.

Just kidding, I won’t do it. Maybe.


Rob got a job today as a lunchroom/playground supervisor at the school where I work. He’s just going to fill in temporarily for an Illinois Wesleyan student going home for Winter Break. He starts next Tuesday. I can hardly wait to share with him the joy of working with the future criminals at Bent School.

It’s been pretty wild around there lately. For example, we have a kindergarten child, Myeshia C., who was absent the entire month of November. Seems she did not get her immunizations prior to her mother’s unfortunate incarceration. She could not return to school after Oct. 30 without the immunizations, and she could not get the immunizations without her mother’s signature. Therefore little Myeshia had to sit around at Grandma’s Crack House waiting for mom to get out of jail.

Whatever happened to “No Child Left Behind?” This kid was behind in the first place. Now her miserable little life just got harder. Makes you think long and hard about our liberal democracy. Everybody has “rights,” but nobody has any responsibilities anymore. God forbid we take away Myeshia’s mother’s “rights” by giving the child the shots she has to have to come to school. (where at least she can have a hot meal, if nothing else!)

Speaking of jailhouse kids, I had a very excited first grader say to me a few Mondays ago that,
"When my dad gets out of jail he’s going to take me to Chuck E. Cheese, Toys R Us, and Disneyland!”
My guess is that the poor kid is going to be sadly disappointed by the un-fulfilled promises made on that weekend prison visit.

Gang members are the worst fathers in the world. For every ONE soldier to whom we pay your very modest income, we are FULLY SUPPORTING an average of five children and three common-law wives of gang-bangers who are in jail. I heard that on the radio this morning, and I believe it is a modest estimate.
I think that when you guys come home from this war you should DEMAND a big change in social policy. Vote Libertarian! That’ll teach those Washington socialists to try to confiscate our guns and divvy up our butter!

What? Did you just ask me if I want some cheese with this whine? Okay, okay, I’ll get off the soapbox and go buy you some Christmas gifts.

Much Love,
-An Army Mom